If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
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I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
why isn’t he texting back
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS