Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
You Might Also Like
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Good boy 😂😂
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white