Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
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Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…