Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
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Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
I’m awake but I object,
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things