You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.