I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
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I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
For the orator and chef in all of us
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??