Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
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[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
That took me a moment.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Ain’t no way
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.