When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
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WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about