shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
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*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed