and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Funny because it’s true. 馃ぃ
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I鈥檒l have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
me: I鈥檓 becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Wait for it…馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Ghost costume 馃槀