The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”