My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.