I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
#dalle2
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Not today.. 😂
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”