4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
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Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Battery falling down a hole
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?