Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
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“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.