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New comic up. “Ransom”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
I’m calling the cops.