Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
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My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.