Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
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I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
jesus christ confetti not now
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.