I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
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Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”