accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
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Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.