Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
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A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*