Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
You Might Also Like
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My time has come.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
This line from Airplane.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.