I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
You Might Also Like
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.