and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
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If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
All generalizations are stupid.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff