cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music