As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
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I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
BRO LMFAO
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us