I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
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A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?