Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
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A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
The biggest mystery of our time
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no