Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Perfect
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’m ready for Halloween this year
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time