I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
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[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
#winning
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS