Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Not my job 😂
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
6: Is google a number? My friend told me it was
Me: No buddy, it’s not, your friend doesn’t know anything
Husband: Actually, googol IS a number so who’s the one who doesn’t know any-
Me:
H: Your mom is very smart