1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
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Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.