My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
shut up and take my money
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
nyc:
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I will never stop laughing at this
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom