You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
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WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I can fix him.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Nice try, NASA
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
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