We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
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* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Muppet Screams
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms