WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic