Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
You Might Also Like
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area