Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
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Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.