at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
😅😅😅
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
We found love in a hopeless place.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?