[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
You Might Also Like
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new