Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
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My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
my name if I was in the mob
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
me, too, girl. me, too.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES