I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Blew my mind.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
I would like even faster food.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Shower sex be like:
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge