How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?