I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton