Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
You Might Also Like
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
hey, alexa
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
house sitting!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.