[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
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Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.