If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
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#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.