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Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
me and the Superbowl rn
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*