Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
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I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”