Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
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good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.